Contentment

I am finding contentment in simple things and At the moment I feel that this life is bearable

Books

I wonder if I would be happier without books, that's a strange thing to say, I know. Books have given me so much joy but they have also made me aware of what I don't have and impatient to have more.

waiting

far away
a light still shines
dulled by distance
a constant glow
guiding lost souls home
listen carefully
beneath the storm
two hearts beat
quietly but resolutely
marking time
waiting
just waiting

errrrrrrrrr,

I often wish that I could think of something earth shatteringly wonderful but when i do I usually forget it before I can write it down.

Friends

you know you are with a true friend when you meet up after ages apart and it's like you have never been away.

love

I have been thinking a lot about love and commitment lately. If only they were the same thing.

past present and future

I got very down in my cups today thinking about missed opportunities and wishing my life had taken a different direction.

I gave my self a boot up the bum because I have to live today and carry on hoping for tomorrow, yes my past could have been different but there is nothing I can do about that, I can however work towards a better future and at least I am now clear about what I want in that future.

And once again I reminded my self to feed the good wolf.

internet

A friend on line spoke yesterday about there being life outside the internet and I agreed with her.
I have been thinking about this and, yes there is definitely life away from the internet and I am determined to experience it but I have to say
My favourite activities are internet based
My relaxation is internet based
all my friends are on the internet
I would never have met the only person I trust 100% if it wasn't for the internet.

blogging for fun and profit

I wonder if it's possible to write a commercially viable blog if you if you don't believe in yourself

graves

wandering in the cemetery this evening.

why do so few people in these places actually die?

They go to sleep, they slip away, they rest, they depart.

My daughter, aged 15, on reading the grave stone of a 6 year old. It says he was taken from us, does that mean he was kidnapped?

why?

I often pause to count my blessings and I guess when I tally up the pluses and minuses of my life I end up with a positive so why do I feel negative sometimes? why do we so often desire what we don't have?
Over the past weeks i have been busy working and it has been good, I have enjoyed the work and I have enjoyed being a worker again, it feels good but I still have that place deep inside me that is hurting and telling me that I'm not a good person. I know this is all part of my illness and I have employed a technique given to me by a wonderful friend which involves visualising two wolves inside me, a good wolf (positive stuff) and a bad wolf (negative stuff) I have tried to keep feeding the good wolf and starving the bad one. I haven't explained that very well but believe me it has helped me so much.

a jotting

My senses fill with promised delight
I tremble with anticipation
preparing to indulge

You cast your net wide
your silk so fine
waiting for the tempted

As I touch your web
my nerves alert, to late
held lightly

I face you, not bravely
trembling with fear
you anticipate your indulgence

and so I end
wrapped in your embrace
cocooned in silken thread
losing my head

If I do all that I do to the best of my ability then I need never fear because, in the final analysis, I am my most severe critic.

Pondering

Please understand that I'm not feeling sorry for my self and I'm still anticipating lots of living. I still believe in some wonderful things for the future. That said, I have been thinking rather a lot about some of the things I want for my self and i decided that, as a father, I can wish these things for my children even if I never get them. I hope that my children find their soul mate and have a long and happy life with them; I hope my children seize opportunities to travel\emigrate and i hope that if they marry, they marry for love. Above all I hope that they always believe in themselves.

Money

I'm not used to having any money in my pocket and I think the children are aware of this and determined to help because when ever I do find any they are very quick to remove it.

It's only money, and at the moment it's very much a bi-product of the fun and freedom I am finding in going out to work