Christmas thought

Just a thought from the church of the terminally bemused

male and female

There was an interesting item on the radio the other day.

Apparently there is mounting evidence that the French are right to assign a gender to all items.

A train is definitely male as it never comes when it should and always uses the same lines to pick people up.

A remote control is female as It gives men hours of pleasure even though they don't really understand how it works and he can happily press the wrong buttons for hours.

Directions

do you ever encounter a place or a person and find it gets you thinking about how things might have been.

I am a big user of the what if line of thought, it's a weakness of mine.

Last week i spent a lot of time in another part of the country and I thought a lot about someone who i always associate with that area wondering how life might have been different if we had met earlier.

Such thinking is not good as it doesn't change what is but in a way I enjoy, just for a short while, 'living' that alternative life.

Seeking real

sometimes I'm not sure who (or what) I am.
I find my self wondering whether the smile I bestow is genuine or whether I'm using it to my advantage.
I can't decide whether I am a father, a husband, a lover, a friend or a recluse. I guess i am all of there things but there are times when I know I'm acting and I wonder where real has gone.

alone

when I'm alone I realise how much i need to survive and who I am surviving for

support your local church

take some time to give the church your vote of confidence, if it wins the prize will be donated to cancer research

do it now!

http://bloginterviewer.com/religion/the-church-of-the-terminally-bemused-tim-toadee-marshall

Contentment

I am finding contentment in simple things and At the moment I feel that this life is bearable

Books

I wonder if I would be happier without books, that's a strange thing to say, I know. Books have given me so much joy but they have also made me aware of what I don't have and impatient to have more.

waiting

far away
a light still shines
dulled by distance
a constant glow
guiding lost souls home
listen carefully
beneath the storm
two hearts beat
quietly but resolutely
marking time
waiting
just waiting

errrrrrrrrr,

I often wish that I could think of something earth shatteringly wonderful but when i do I usually forget it before I can write it down.

Friends

you know you are with a true friend when you meet up after ages apart and it's like you have never been away.

love

I have been thinking a lot about love and commitment lately. If only they were the same thing.

past present and future

I got very down in my cups today thinking about missed opportunities and wishing my life had taken a different direction.

I gave my self a boot up the bum because I have to live today and carry on hoping for tomorrow, yes my past could have been different but there is nothing I can do about that, I can however work towards a better future and at least I am now clear about what I want in that future.

And once again I reminded my self to feed the good wolf.

internet

A friend on line spoke yesterday about there being life outside the internet and I agreed with her.
I have been thinking about this and, yes there is definitely life away from the internet and I am determined to experience it but I have to say
My favourite activities are internet based
My relaxation is internet based
all my friends are on the internet
I would never have met the only person I trust 100% if it wasn't for the internet.

blogging for fun and profit

I wonder if it's possible to write a commercially viable blog if you if you don't believe in yourself

graves

wandering in the cemetery this evening.

why do so few people in these places actually die?

They go to sleep, they slip away, they rest, they depart.

My daughter, aged 15, on reading the grave stone of a 6 year old. It says he was taken from us, does that mean he was kidnapped?

why?

I often pause to count my blessings and I guess when I tally up the pluses and minuses of my life I end up with a positive so why do I feel negative sometimes? why do we so often desire what we don't have?
Over the past weeks i have been busy working and it has been good, I have enjoyed the work and I have enjoyed being a worker again, it feels good but I still have that place deep inside me that is hurting and telling me that I'm not a good person. I know this is all part of my illness and I have employed a technique given to me by a wonderful friend which involves visualising two wolves inside me, a good wolf (positive stuff) and a bad wolf (negative stuff) I have tried to keep feeding the good wolf and starving the bad one. I haven't explained that very well but believe me it has helped me so much.

a jotting

My senses fill with promised delight
I tremble with anticipation
preparing to indulge

You cast your net wide
your silk so fine
waiting for the tempted

As I touch your web
my nerves alert, to late
held lightly

I face you, not bravely
trembling with fear
you anticipate your indulgence

and so I end
wrapped in your embrace
cocooned in silken thread
losing my head

If I do all that I do to the best of my ability then I need never fear because, in the final analysis, I am my most severe critic.

Pondering

Please understand that I'm not feeling sorry for my self and I'm still anticipating lots of living. I still believe in some wonderful things for the future. That said, I have been thinking rather a lot about some of the things I want for my self and i decided that, as a father, I can wish these things for my children even if I never get them. I hope that my children find their soul mate and have a long and happy life with them; I hope my children seize opportunities to travel\emigrate and i hope that if they marry, they marry for love. Above all I hope that they always believe in themselves.

Money

I'm not used to having any money in my pocket and I think the children are aware of this and determined to help because when ever I do find any they are very quick to remove it.

It's only money, and at the moment it's very much a bi-product of the fun and freedom I am finding in going out to work

work and play

I feel much more relaxed and in control of life, suddenly i don't feel guilty about doing nothing.

Love

I wonder if love is really more about moving independently and yet always feeling an unbreakable thread rather than being together in everything and never needing to love purely in spirit.
Whether those who can always touch ever truly feel the touching of souls
whether those who hold hands ever learn how to hold a heart

where I periodically find my self

Take a Break

Seeking, all ways
Always on the razor edge
perched precariously.
Should I jump before I fall?
Waiting, tense and fearful
weighing the odds
staying still
weight finely balanced.
Freezing time.
Slowly slipping to one side
resigned to fate
Let go, slowly.
Take the breaks.

social security

I was getting all riled up at the job centre because they wouldn't give me a job start grant then I realised I'm lucky I live in a country that has social security at all.

romance

working on the mobile library i notice how much romance the older ladies get through. They are quite open about the fact that it's often the only lovin' they get.

I wonder if I'll be seeking my lovin in cheap books when I'm old, it scares me a little.
I know where I want to spend my golden years, I know what i want, just scares it won't happen. I really must have faith.

Worth

Who decides what we are worth?
When I do a job am i more important than others, what is the impact of my contribution and who is really qualified to say.

In a way I'm wondering who can judge me and I think it's only those who I allow to judge me because unasked for judgement will not be heard.

I tend to have a low self esteem so I undervalue my self, there are very few people who I trust to give me feedback but every time I accept a low paid job am i saying 'this is what I'm worth'

Let the musing begin

I wonder if I should be doing this, I'm always leaping into things and then getting bored. Two blog toadee! hehe and then there's the web site to sort, helium and bookcrossing, e-mail, g-mail and perhaps a little browsing.

I should really spend more time in the real world, get out more, read, write......

Nah! it's much more comfortable here.