A musing toad

she

2011-02-19T01:09:00.000Z

photo property of yelp.com photostream
words my own

picture of you

2011-01-17T23:56:00.000Z

I could so easily fall
into memories
into confusion
into your eyes

the simple act of reaching
different endings
or beginnings
or your heart

If I should close my eyes
there will be nothing
left surviving
but your smile

close stranger

2011-01-12T23:56:00.001Z

Being close

is torture

the urge to touch

overpowers me

I feel the aura of your promise.

The games we play

catching half a glance

reflected in a dark window

an accidental touch

as we adjust.

You are a mystery

I want to solve

I don't know your name

should I call you

...............again

The cream cake of life

2010-07-10T11:50:00.002+01:00

Is your life a real confection
a tasty, sticky, sweet selection
or is it more a dried up husk
a basic, tasteless, stodgy rusk

How it turns out depends on the maker
and that means you 'cos you're the baker

So make your life much more eclairy
with cream still fresh from nature's dairy
smothered in a chocolate layer
wrapped in pastry, light as air
flavour filled from end to end
and tasted by each special friend

In truth

2010-05-17T22:25:00.002+01:00

Tell my friends
I'm out.....or ill, or indisposed
The kids are ill
make sure the teacher knows
Excuse my absence
tell my boss I have to go
my grandma's ill (again)
and her demise is very slow.
If mother rings
tell her I'm in the bath
make sure you sue the council
for that lumpy path.
If my sister asks
I've dropped another size
But don't play me false in love
the one thing I hate is lies.

This love

2010-04-20T10:35:00.003+01:00

This love is simple
unannounced
a gentle glow
a comfortable warmth
felt with the heart and soul
constantly

This love is more in dreams than diamonds
in sharing
because we are one
and all we have
everything and nothing
is ours

This love is not only in words
but in the silence between
it is ours alone
not for show
This love is a whisper
not a shout

a future

2010-04-13T15:02:00.001+01:00

Do you ever stop and wonder
and maybe even cry
as you end another empty day
still asking yourself, why?

does your soul continue yearning
with a need you dare not face
and is your heart still needing
a soul-mate to embrace

Do you need to find your world
a place where troubles cease
I place where I will take you
where together we'll find peace

the spirit of love

2010-04-07T12:28:00.000+01:00

The pain stopped at 2:35pm.
Louise looked up and saw blue skies and once again felt the gentle warmth of the autumn sun on her face.
‘I’m not alone, I will never be alone’ she thought and, closing her eyes, she dozed contentedly.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

When the messages had stopped she had assumed that it was a technical problem, that a circuit had blown or a protocol been corrupted. She had missed him but knew that he would sort it out.
She had reflected on their relationship, taking pleasure in the special times they had shared, listening to their music, remembering their love making.

They had met only 6 months earlier but it seemed as though they had always known each other. Together they had marvelled at the feelings they shared, their parallel experiences oneness of spirit and similar aspirations. They had laughed as they said and thought the same things or finished one another's sentences.
From almost the beginning they had agreed that they belonged together and had shared dreams of an idyllic future, of a time when there would be no need to suffer misunderstanding and no struggle to explain confused feelings or half formed ideas and dreams.
Both had realised that they were lucky, most people never find a perfect love and may never know what love truly is. Louise had felt so relieved to finally know that her search had ended, that the dark corners of her soul had been illuminated and that the key she had sought so long had been found and had unlocked a treasure chest of love and emotions.

After a week with no contact she started to ask around the various communities
'.......has any one heard from......'
'I.S.O.....'
'what's happened to...'
No-one knew, some said that they missed him too but they couldn't know how much he was truly missed.

Anger followed, he was like all the others, flirty and charming - until he got bored. He had used her, she had allowed herself to be used. She had failed, he had failed her.
She took to sitting, deep in thought, ignoring calls, forgetting to eat, lacking the strength to clean or work. Deep in self pity and suddenly seeing the evil and sadness which surrounded her.
And so she came to be sitting on an old bench near a tree, in the park. A bench she sad sat on quite suddenly although, had it not been there, she would've sat on the ground since her legs would not have supported her.
She had been walking through the park towards the lake having decided , in a flash of clarity, that she was to blame for his absence and that she was of no benefit to the world at large which would surely forget her before she had even disappeared beneath the surface.
As she passed the tree she had heard a noise and had looked up, there was nothing there. The slight movement of the branches had awoken more painful memories. They had both loved nature and had planned, one day, to live far away from the city, surrounded by their beloved trees and lakes.
Louise had sobbed and her whole body had begun to shake as she cried out in anguish and frustration

'I loved you so much, you were my life, my reason. I will not live without you'

'I love you still' he replied 'we are one in soul and in spirit, live now for both of us my dear, sweet Louise'

she felt him enter her as the last barrier of doubt dissolved.

A new beginning

2010-03-29T00:16:00.000+01:00

Senses begin to awaken
A whisper of warm air brushes my cheek and birds sing in celebration, I taste the tang of salt on the air and, opening my eyes I see the ocean spread before me like an endless plain.
I turn and see the land swelling gently like a soft, green, crumpled duvet.
The breeze carries the scent of woodland flowers and my heart feels at peace.

I sit for a while under the shade of an ancient oak tree and breath deeply and slowly as my mind slips into a meditative state.

I am aware, as though reading from a book, that I have suffered and that I have fought hard to keep my sanity. I know that I bear many invisible scars, memories of battles won and lost, conflict created and avoided, chances taken, chances missed. The principals, no longer performing, parade before me allowing me to see, often for the first time, the people beneath the greasepaint.

The parents who dominated, expected and watched now stripped of their masks revealing anxious, care worn faces.

The siblings no longer competing and squabbling show themselves as strong yet loving.

Partners, not too many and each with memories. Stripped of their costume and role they are a diverse group I am the only common denominator

My children in their roles as tormentors, leeches and succubi where played by young people in need of love and security, good people with good moral sense and hearts brim full of love.

Colleagues pass me too, strange that without their trappings, their uniforms, they seem a lot like me. They worry, they struggle and they hide their insecurities.

A touch, gentle on my cheek, wakes me and I look up into the smiling face of my beloved. A tear falls and splashes on my face, her hand grips mine. I am alive, I have a chance, a new beginning.

goodbye, for now (no not literally)

2010-03-18T08:02:00.001Z

Our tree stands by the lakeside, a still sentinel eternally watching, waiting.

The house, our house, is to big for me now. The memories it holds to painful - the pain that only love brings.

I wander through each room, to say goodbye. I can't bear to let go completely but I don't know if I will come back here.

The attic, full of higgledy piggledy memories, special times, painful times. Broken, much loved, bric-a-brac hidden in dark corners and, scattered throughout, snapshots of our life.

In the bedroom I hear the sound of your laughter, your pleasure, quietly now beneath the beat of my heart. Our bed collects dust, it's covers unruffled.

The bathroom, clean and clinical, was once a playground. A slippy, sensuous place of wild laughter and desire.

I stop for a while in the lounge where secrets were shared, plans made and exciting schemes hatched. The old sofa, where we sat for hours reading, talking and sometimes cuddling together when we were to weary to move.

I pass through the kitchen, so utilitarian now, sides wiped clean of the crumbs of our last snack. The cupboards stripped of all the things we loved to share.

I look towards the cellar door but I won't go down there. I know that nestles there, in a strong box, surrounded by bubble wrap, my heart will be safe. It belongs here, I don't need it any more.

I leave our house, windows firmly shuttered so that no passer-by can see into our life. Locking the door I leave a key beneath a stone, in case you happen by.

And as I walk away I steal a backwards glance. The house stands in darkness but for a single light shining to guide you, should you pass one day. And in our garden a single willow stands waiting, weeping.

I'd like

2010-03-05T00:28:00.004Z

I would really like to climb a mountain
and i don't know if I will
for to reach the highest summit
takes strength and guts and skill

I would like to swim an ocean
or even just a little sea
but to be even just a little fish like
is not a bit like me

Flash Fiction - Each Friday, a happy band of talented writers compose a short story of 55 words - no more, no less. If you would like to join in the fun and games... post your story and report to the boss -G-MAN
http://g-man-mrknowitall.blogspot.com/
If you're not interested in contributing a story, feel free to read the other entries. I'm sure any comments you have would be appreciated.

Believe

2010-02-12T12:48:00.002Z

In the shadow of the fates
one soul yearns
and quietly waits

One heart beats
and trusts, believes
while those fates the future weaves

One life stopped
in frozen frame
smiling whispers a forbidden name

Oner flame of hope burning still
fueled by faith
and love and will

not alone

2010-01-02T21:12:00.002Z

Misunderstood, reviled
cast out and denied
but never alone

in pain and in despair
feel like going no-where
still never alone

just a touch across the miles
and sweet occasional smiles
say you're not alone

when the now is to much to endure
and the the future is unsure
remember it's not faced alone

questions

2009-12-14T20:29:00.000Z

If you knew my heart

would you?

In the harsh reality of daylight

could you?

If I dared to strip away

my layers

until you saw the centre of my being

and spoke plain words

of mundane things

would you, could you love me?

Thug

2009-12-06T18:54:00.000Z

This is the tale that’s not very nice,
A warning to all thugs
Concerning teasing, bullies, louts
(and people short on hugs)

Victor’s speech was indistinct
he had great trouble smelling,
His sinuses were often blocked
Causing nasal swelling

He was quite use to people who
Would say repeat that please
And he couldn’t count how many times
He mixed up free and threes

Our Victor was a happy chap
An even tempered bloke
And even when pressurised
He always saw the joke

because folk liked his easy way
And felt his heart was tender
Victor had a ‘people job’
He was an ice-cream vendor

Most customers would smile and say
Please and thanks to Vic
But there’s always one who spoils it
And makes the good ones sick

Such a one was Harry Rice
A snotty little scrote
He often hung around Vic’s cart
To get on peoples goat

As I explained Vic’s speech was odd
Due to his nasal features
But by and large his customers
Were kind and faithful creatures

One day Vic got a different flavour
He called it Fudge surprise
he had It on an offer
A triple super size

Harry Rice was there
And he heard Victor say
Come and get your Fugs surprise
On special for today

Harry laughed and Harry jeered
All his nasty cronies cheered
Fug surprise? You stupid man
Why can’t you talk like what I can

Victor smiled he’d heard it all
And still he wasn’t riled
Why should he, a full grown man
Be worried by a child

He turned his back and took a scoop
And made a massive ice
And turning back he proffered it
To Harry (which was nice)

Harry needed to maintain
His thuggish reputation
So he snarled and took the gift
and smothered his elation

His interest piqued on tasting fudge
He said what’s the surprise
And Victor said with dead pan face
Those aren’t chocolate bits they're flies

Harry choked and cried and sobbed
He called out for his mummy
It was probably psychological
But he had a poorly tummy

So Victor got rid of a pest
By using chocolate bugs
And now the people know that he
Can surprise any thugs

gulf

2009-12-04T23:40:00.000Z

In unsurity
we live another day
It's easier than knowing
we cannot survive

We spend our days in silence
because we can't speak
the things we hate to say

Empty and unfeeling
we go on
almost loving
never daring
to go our own way

Muse

2009-09-25T11:48:00.001+01:00

My muse lies sleeping
perfect visage
mangled in repose
snoring
drooling
snot leaking from her nose

Lofty dreams
in the gutter
taking flight
between a rock and lost grace
hell and high maintenance
oceans of belief
in dry dock

My muse lies puking
around a bucket
by her bed
what dreams I asked
are lost
in the cesspit of her head

Mills and Boon

2009-01-21T12:22:00.001Z

I wandered lonely
no romance
seeking just one kiss, one dance
but I couldn't win a heart
so I decided I'd depart
and find true love
away from here
I'm packing up
with not a tear
I'm going to move to Mills and Boon
where men are men
and women swoon
where love is just a gasp away
the sex is hot
and no one's gay
The sun always shines
the people tanned
bills and traffic jams are banned
Handsome sheiks with many wives
and all of them with bedroom eyes
the nurses simper
their bosoms heaving
when they hear that Dr Love is leaving.
Ever man is rich and fit
with chiselled jaw and charming wit
perfect hair
and deep blue eyes
washboard stomach
muscled thighs.
Women's lib?
no need for that
no single parents
unsightly fat
every lady is complete
perfect figure head to feet.

I tried to move there
I really tried
but those oh so perfect folk inside
locked the gates and barred the doors
they couldn't cope with normal flaws.

three faces of man

2009-01-17T01:59:00.000Z

Do you think I'm attractive?

oh yes, said his lips
hmmmm, suppose, added his brain
YUM! cried the little devil

Will you see me again?

of course, the lips assured
errrrrrr, suppose, the brain added
WELL, ARE YOU GOING TO PUT OUT OR WHAT? demanded the devil, stretching

Do you love me?

you know I do, quick from the lips
yeah, yeah, whatever, yawned a bored brain
I'M READY, NOW! groaned the giant devil.

no night

2009-01-12T16:46:00.002Z

Days are easy
Plastic smiles
and empty voices.
Well worn routine,
un-taxed resources.

Life, just living.
No shadows,
no sense of failing.
No falling.
Just heedless pleading,
no night

dark days

2009-01-08T23:51:00.000Z

Not quite
day light
winter's night

quite near
ghostly fear
end of year

Getting there
Christmas fair
trees bare.

Over

2008-11-25T22:39:00.002Z

I'm over you
all the stuff we used to do
those days of secret games

It's over and you'll find
we're both out of my mind
no more slushy names

It didn't mean a thing
the special songs we used to sing
this silence is much better

just photos stored away
from a long gone, sunny day
the odd dreamy, perfumed letter

on being depressed

2008-11-18T15:52:00.000Z

When I'm down,
I feel like a half drawn cartoon.
I'm here, and it may be fairly obvious who, or what I am
although
I'm some how incomplete
I'm here
in outline
but I'm not awfully solid
I'm empty,
lacking colour and background
there is no movement,
no life.
I am unanimated
When I am complete
I'll have resilience
and comic immortality,
drop an anvil on my head,
I'll re-inflate myself
run over me with a steam roller,
I'll peel my self from the road and carry on
but now
at this moment
I remain flat
on the page
two dimensional,
unreal,
incomplete
I need an artist who
with bold strokes
can make me whole
who will ink in
a rainbow existence
check continuity
plot my course
and script my life.

vampire

2008-11-18T15:49:00.000Z

eternally bringing death
for life eternal
nightly sipping life
i cannot die
the wrath of timeless pain
my only shadow
the owls morose refrain
my only muse
I crave the grave
and sweet eternal sleep
driven by base needs
I want
and weep
and weep

masked ball

2008-11-08T12:32:00.003Z

Your festival smile draws us in,
promising pleasure,
a party within
those sparkling eyes offering fun
a hint of mischief
you shine like the sun.
In your special party dress, cut to hug your figure
you dance until the dawn
you embody life and vigour.
Whirling on the dance floor,laughing as you leap
it's only when the ball is over
you allow yourself to weep

Grow up

2008-11-03T10:57:00.000Z

Grow up, feel the pain
of labouring in vain

Hear the ticking of the clock
growing faster, keen to mock

See the leaves fall from the tree
wondering how long spring will be

Believe that you just can't win
with your spirit lost within

Chase deadlines until your dead
where once you chased dreams instead

Crush

2008-10-26T00:11:00.003+01:00

Give no sign
not word or smile
our balance is precarious

don't go ahead
stay behind
wear masks of indifference

never reveal
forever concealed
Dream on

Feign coolness
but know

the heart beats still within

your beacon

2008-10-24T01:06:00.001+01:00

far away
a light still shines
dulled by distance
a constant glow
guiding lost souls home
listen carefully
beneath the storm
two hearts beat
quietly but resolutely
marking time
waiting
just waiting

sweet temptress

2008-10-24T01:04:00.000+01:00

My senses fill with promised delight
I tremble with anticipation
preparing to indulge

You cast your net wide
your silk so fine
waiting for the tempted

As I touch your web
my nerves alert, to late
held lightly

I face you, not bravely
trembling with fear
you anticipate your indulgence

and so I end
wrapped in your embrace
cocooned in silken thread
losing my head

Decide

2008-10-23T10:38:00.003+01:00

Seeking all ways.
Always on the razor edge
perched precariously
should I jump before I fall?

Waiting.
Tense and fearful
weighing the odds
so still
weight finely balanced.
Freezing time.

Slowly slipping to one side
resigned to fate
let go, slowly
taking the breaks

more piracy

2008-10-20T14:57:00.004+01:00

I wrote this for my biggest fan, my son Jack who says if he were my agent he would make me famous

I am a bold, bad pirate
my name is two patch Tim
Captain Hook just had one patch
so I'm twice as bad as him

I'm here to cause a menace
with all my pirate stuff
my hook, my sword, my wooden leg
and a voice that's very gruff

With my parrot on my shoulder
and my pistol in my hand
I'm going to be very bad at sea
and twice as bad on land

You'll know when I am coming
you'll hear all the softies shout
run away, quick, quick lets hide
two patch is about

I am sure I will add to this........

wanna be

2008-10-13T12:24:00.003+01:00

(wrote this to read to a group of nursery children)

I tried to be a pirate
I've got all the pirate stuff
a patch to cover up one eye
a sword so I'll look tough
I made my hair a mess
made sure my face was hairy
but i couldn't see where i was going
and no-one thought that i was scary.

Now pirates usually have a parrot
and a big black pirate's hat
but I could only find my teddy bear
and no-one's ever scared of that.
I was going to get a great big ship
and sail away to sea
but I couldn't go too far away
because I must be back for tea.

Queueing

2008-10-13T11:22:00.003+01:00

In the supermarket
Queueing
life on hold
time to ponder
thoughts tumble
2 for 1
searching for a special
planning a menus
for uncertain futures
building stranger's lives
from their groceries
waiting
queueing
until checkout

my blogging is indicative of my brain function

2008-09-16T23:33:00.003+01:00

I blog in a wildly disorganized manner sometimes blogging a whole series of pieces and sometimes not blogging for a week - bit like the way i think really.

I have three blogs. This is not because I think a lot or do a lot. It is because i often try to externalize my weird and wonderful thoughts and, by putting them into different blogs bring some order to the chaos. It doesn't work, of course.

I sometimes think i should get rid odf a couple of blogs but I have never been able to throw anything away so at the end of the day i'm more likely to add another.

ouch!

2008-07-09T12:26:00.003+01:00

a comment on a friends blog got to me because it concerned a subject close to my heart and one of which I have personal and professional experience.

It made me realise that i am becoming more in touch with my feelings because a few years ago It would've just gone straight on by on the basis that I believe that ignorance rarely whispers it's opinion.

i realise that the commenter might have unresolved issues but I felt that the comment was crass and unfeeling.

Ah well live and let live eh?

I'm growing up

2008-06-04T12:01:00.003+01:00

I have always struggled with the green demon of jealousy and, in retrospect, I recognise the damage done to friendships and relationships.

I came to realise that friends are not something that I can put back n a box when I finish playing with them and that my friends do actually exist outside my experience. That friends are still friends even when they are not here.

So, I just want to say thank you to my friends for being my friend (God knows I don't deserve you) and thank you for my friend's friends for being there for our mutual friend. By embracing diverse friends we bring wealth and experience to each and every one of our friends.

time travel

2008-05-04T00:41:00.000+01:00

there are times when I think about the past, perhaps even dwell there for a while. I consider events in my life and I wonder what would have happened if I had made a different decision, walked away,said yes\no, spoken my mind etc. I also see the lessons in what has happened and, hopefully am a wiser person because of that.
Now, if i can just put myself in the future and apply that retrospective to the decisions I make today...............

dying with style

2008-03-20T22:37:00.002Z

There was an article on the radio yesterday about the troops currently stationed in Iraq and Afghanistan. The mother of one soldier said

'the whole family are so proud of him, he got a good degree so he was able to join a good regiment'

I wonder, is death more worthwhile or perhaps less painful if it happens to a soldier in a 'good' regiment?

Christmas thought

2007-12-24T03:15:00.001Z

Just a thought from the church of the terminally bemused

male and female

2007-12-09T01:24:00.000Z

There was an interesting item on the radio the other day.

Apparently there is mounting evidence that the French are right to assign a gender to all items.

A train is definitely male as it never comes when it should and always uses the same lines to pick people up.

A remote control is female as It gives men hours of pleasure even though they don't really understand how it works and he can happily press the wrong buttons for hours.

Directions

2007-12-03T00:17:00.000Z

do you ever encounter a place or a person and find it gets you thinking about how things might have been.

I am a big user of the what if line of thought, it's a weakness of mine.

Last week i spent a lot of time in another part of the country and I thought a lot about someone who i always associate with that area wondering how life might have been different if we had met earlier.

Such thinking is not good as it doesn't change what is but in a way I enjoy, just for a short while, 'living' that alternative life.

Seeking real

2007-08-30T00:19:00.000+01:00

sometimes I'm not sure who (or what) I am.
I find my self wondering whether the smile I bestow is genuine or whether I'm using it to my advantage.
I can't decide whether I am a father, a husband, a lover, a friend or a recluse. I guess i am all of there things but there are times when I know I'm acting and I wonder where real has gone.

alone

2007-08-24T21:30:00.000+01:00

when I'm alone I realise how much i need to survive and who I am surviving for

support your local church

2007-08-03T01:21:00.000+01:00

take some time to give the church your vote of confidence, if it wins the prize will be donated to cancer research

do it now!

http://bloginterviewer.com/religion/the-church-of-the-terminally-bemused-tim-toadee-marshall

Contentment

2007-07-31T00:16:00.000+01:00

I am finding contentment in simple things and At the moment I feel that this life is bearable

Books

2007-07-24T01:58:00.000+01:00

I wonder if I would be happier without books, that's a strange thing to say, I know. Books have given me so much joy but they have also made me aware of what I don't have and impatient to have more.

waiting

2007-07-19T01:09:00.000+01:00

far away
a light still shines
dulled by distance
a constant glow
guiding lost souls home
listen carefully
beneath the storm
two hearts beat
quietly but resolutely
marking time
waiting
just waiting

errrrrrrrrr,

2007-07-18T00:36:00.000+01:00

I often wish that I could think of something earth shatteringly wonderful but when i do I usually forget it before I can write it down.

Friends

2007-07-17T01:35:00.000+01:00

you know you are with a true friend when you meet up after ages apart and it's like you have never been away.

love

2007-07-16T00:15:00.000+01:00

I have been thinking a lot about love and commitment lately. If only they were the same thing.

past present and future

2007-07-14T00:22:00.000+01:00

I got very down in my cups today thinking about missed opportunities and wishing my life had taken a different direction.

I gave my self a boot up the bum because I have to live today and carry on hoping for tomorrow, yes my past could have been different but there is nothing I can do about that, I can however work towards a better future and at least I am now clear about what I want in that future.

And once again I reminded my self to feed the good wolf.

internet

2007-07-12T23:37:00.000+01:00

A friend on line spoke yesterday about there being life outside the internet and I agreed with her.
I have been thinking about this and, yes there is definitely life away from the internet and I am determined to experience it but I have to say
My favourite activities are internet based
My relaxation is internet based
all my friends are on the internet
I would never have met the only person I trust 100% if it wasn't for the internet.

blogging for fun and profit

2007-07-12T00:07:00.000+01:00

I wonder if it's possible to write a commercially viable blog if you if you don't believe in yourself

graves

2007-07-11T00:38:00.001+01:00

wandering in the cemetery this evening.

why do so few people in these places actually die?

They go to sleep, they slip away, they rest, they depart.

My daughter, aged 15, on reading the grave stone of a 6 year old. It says he was taken from us, does that mean he was kidnapped?

why?

2007-07-08T01:10:00.000+01:00

I often pause to count my blessings and I guess when I tally up the pluses and minuses of my life I end up with a positive so why do I feel negative sometimes? why do we so often desire what we don't have?
Over the past weeks i have been busy working and it has been good, I have enjoyed the work and I have enjoyed being a worker again, it feels good but I still have that place deep inside me that is hurting and telling me that I'm not a good person. I know this is all part of my illness and I have employed a technique given to me by a wonderful friend which involves visualising two wolves inside me, a good wolf (positive stuff) and a bad wolf (negative stuff) I have tried to keep feeding the good wolf and starving the bad one. I haven't explained that very well but believe me it has helped me so much.

a jotting

2007-07-05T23:34:00.000+01:00

2007-07-04T22:14:00.000+01:00

If I do all that I do to the best of my ability then I need never fear because, in the final analysis, I am my most severe critic.

Pondering

2007-07-02T23:04:00.000+01:00

Please understand that I'm not feeling sorry for my self and I'm still anticipating lots of living. I still believe in some wonderful things for the future. That said, I have been thinking rather a lot about some of the things I want for my self and i decided that, as a father, I can wish these things for my children even if I never get them. I hope that my children find their soul mate and have a long and happy life with them; I hope my children seize opportunities to travel\emigrate and i hope that if they marry, they marry for love. Above all I hope that they always believe in themselves.

Money

2007-07-01T00:02:00.000+01:00

I'm not used to having any money in my pocket and I think the children are aware of this and determined to help because when ever I do find any they are very quick to remove it.

It's only money, and at the moment it's very much a bi-product of the fun and freedom I am finding in going out to work

work and play

2007-06-30T00:42:00.000+01:00

I feel much more relaxed and in control of life, suddenly i don't feel guilty about doing nothing.

Love

2007-06-29T00:13:00.000+01:00

I wonder if love is really more about moving independently and yet always feeling an unbreakable thread rather than being together in everything and never needing to love purely in spirit.
Whether those who can always touch ever truly feel the touching of souls
whether those who hold hands ever learn how to hold a heart

where I periodically find my self

2007-06-28T00:31:00.000+01:00

Take a Break

Seeking, all ways
Always on the razor edge
perched precariously.
Should I jump before I fall?
Waiting, tense and fearful
weighing the odds
staying still
weight finely balanced.
Freezing time.
Slowly slipping to one side
resigned to fate
Let go, slowly.
Take the breaks.

social security

2007-06-27T00:34:00.000+01:00

I was getting all riled up at the job centre because they wouldn't give me a job start grant then I realised I'm lucky I live in a country that has social security at all.

romance

2007-06-26T00:36:00.000+01:00

working on the mobile library i notice how much romance the older ladies get through. They are quite open about the fact that it's often the only lovin' they get.

I wonder if I'll be seeking my lovin in cheap books when I'm old, it scares me a little.
I know where I want to spend my golden years, I know what i want, just scares it won't happen. I really must have faith.

Worth

2007-06-25T00:39:00.000+01:00

Who decides what we are worth?
When I do a job am i more important than others, what is the impact of my contribution and who is really qualified to say.

In a way I'm wondering who can judge me and I think it's only those who I allow to judge me because unasked for judgement will not be heard.

I tend to have a low self esteem so I undervalue my self, there are very few people who I trust to give me feedback but every time I accept a low paid job am i saying 'this is what I'm worth'

Let the musing begin

2007-06-24T00:20:00.000+01:00

I wonder if I should be doing this, I'm always leaping into things and then getting bored. Two blog toadee! hehe and then there's the web site to sort, helium and bookcrossing, e-mail, g-mail and perhaps a little browsing.

I should really spend more time in the real world, get out more, read, write......

Nah! it's much more comfortable here.